"we all have twenty nine inches of fries so far. i have two four inchers, five three inchers, and three two inchers. you have five five inchers and a four incher. theyre exactly the same. dewey! okay, were gonna assume this was a four incher from the share pile. hundred and seventeen minus three, times twenty nine divided by three minus. we each take a two inch bite out of this one. last week, we had curly fries. it took us three hours."

"its weird. i think im having a spasm. the muscles in my face keep pulling on my mouth. oh, i think im happy."

"okay, it wasnt funny when spath started crying. no, wait, it was."

"you wanna know what the best thing about childhood is? at some point, it stops."

"so we cant do laundry, we have to share baths, and yesterday she had our cable turned off. our cable! "

"personal computers are great. you can file tax returns, medical records, embarrassing private e-mail. little security tip, though, never use your birthday as your password. and hiding things in a fake salt can? thats just silly."

"thats the way discussions go down in this family. i tell them my needs, and they say 'no'. then dad reveals another cartoon character hes afraid of. "

"he rolled his wheelchair over to me. its not like i could say 'go away.'"

"see, thats what im talking about. this family may be rude, loud and gross and has no shame whatsoever ... anyway, with them, you know where you stand. and when i have a problem theyre always there."

"the cars shadow is going the wrong way, the steering wheel is on the wrong side, theres no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the guys watch wouldnt say twelve oclock if hes looking at a sunset, and i have red paint on my ass. thats right! red paint! all over my ass!"

"i dont know why mom makes me get up at eight. school doesnt even start until eight fifteen. "

"saturday morning is the only thing my family does better than anyone else."

"around here, being smart is like being radioactive."

"dear, penthouse..." - stevie
"yesterday, i pushed my friend stevie down some stairs." - malcolm
"point taken." - stevie

"i keep trying to run but my legs won't work. mom was right, they are important."

"i did the math once. it turns out every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together."

"what are we gonna do?" -reese
"we're gonna be good, that's what." -malcolm
"how do we be good?" -dewey
"i don't know. honestly, it's never come up before." -malcolm

"the only thing worse than no tv, is golf... on tv."

malcolm: "i feel like crap and no one understands. even you. you're supposed to be my friend and you don't even care."
stevie: "and yet.......you keep.......talking."

malcolm: "i can't move."
stevie: "welcome to.....the club."

malcolm: "stevie, are you okay?"
stevie: "i......can't......feel.....my legs."
malcolm: "that's not funny."