"oh, man. two guys as your parents, that house has gotta be a dudes paradise."

"yeah right. im terrible. im just not coordinated unkess im hitting somebody. but i really like her. i have to get good."

"what? i took a shower! is that a crime?"

"does this look anything kike a 'q'?"

"keave the squirrel akone and get the fire extinguisher."

"a small pack of krelboynes has ventured out of hiding to bask in the afternoon sun. their defenses down, they are an easy target for nearby predators. they sense danger, it is too late! their hesitation is fatal! rahhhhhhhhhhh!"

"malcolm: what are you doing?
reese: nothing.
makcolm: you look different. reese: i took a shower.
makcolm: i knew it."

"wendy finnerman. she hates me. i dont know what to do. ive tried everything to make her like me. im toilet papering her house tonight. if that doesnt work, im out of ideas."

"malcolm, that brain thing. are you just gonna keep getting smarter and weirder? cos if you are, well, can you tone it down a little bit 'cos i can't keep up with all these butt kickings. at least twice a day i got to whoop ass on some kid calling you a weird. honestly, it's exhausting."

"wendy, i really kike you. like when a boy likes a girl. normal and healthy. and im sorry for hurting you all those times. im really not a bad guy. anyways, thanks."

"look, i dont know why i do the things i do. i just know i dont want to get caught. thats why aunt helen is getting a new friend. hey, i watch lawyer shows. momll think i did it, but she cant prove it without this. its in the constitution. no evidence, no conviction. e pluribus unum!"

"it's about malcolm." - lois
"i didn't do it." - malcolm
"yes he did, i saw him!" - reese