"okay, i am going to show you guys the coolest thing youve ever seen. get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, and one of deweys stuffed animals - the furrier the better."

"you know, talking with you has helped me work out some things with my own family. i mean all those years ive blamed my parents for every senseless act of self destruction, and all this time i was at least partially responsible for a couple of them. "

"beebee, you cant imagine how much i miss you. it is like a white hot fire burning in my chest. the only thing that keeps me going is the thought of holding you and stroking your hair and being with you in a perfect golden moment. im just so... are you watching buffy? "

"no! dont look at me. i wanted so much to be perfect for you, but i couldnt find any soap. im hideous. "

"did you see circus break that cinder block with his head? thats a good lesson for you guys. it didnt break the first six times, but did he quit tryin? no sir."

"i was freeing the alleged frogs, sir. killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane. "

"well, if youre gonna love women, you have to expect the occasional flaming wipe out. its in the fine print, but you agree to it when you sign up. "

"what a beautiful beach. did you take this photo sir? cause youve certainly captured your young male friends speedo. "

"well hang out for like fifteen minutes, establish a presence, then well go over the fence. like at grandmas wedding. "

"im fine. theres this, strange sense of peace that comes over you when you give up that last shred of dignity. its nice. "

"oh, great, a one-way street! how does that work if i'm going backwards?"