"because thats just ridiculous. no one beats sub-zero. "

"now, unfortunately, if the boy is from our family it goes a little more like this.
(boy) "i like you"
(girl) "i hate you"
(boy) "no i love you"
(girl) "leave me alone. your insane neediness is driving me away"
(boy) "look at me, look at me. look ooh. im crazy. look ooh, ooh. pay attention to me. look at me. look at me. i'm crazy. im an idiot. im an idiot. watch me crash and burn. whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. woooo!"
theres no explaining it. its hereditary, and it goes back for generations. francis has it. so does uncle pete. its why your great grandpa went to work on that oil rig in peru. all i know is your mother must carry some sort of internal antidote because, through some fluke, i was lucky enough to get her. i just wanted you boys to know what you were in for. "

"what about me, hmm? you think i want to be cleaning out gutters when i could be surfing the beaches of europe or cruising around on my hog?"

"aw, doesnt he look just like a little dust mop. "

"now, im gonna tell you about what happens when a boy really, really likes a girl. dewey, ill try to make this easy for you to understand. "

"well son, you know, i wish i could say it gets easier, but, i honestly dont know. ive never been dumped. hmm. "

"hey, have you seen my pun file? its in a box marked 'laughter-thoughts'. "

"now, honey, thats not quite true. actually son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. first it bloats up like a balloon, and then shrivels like a raisin. then tiny microbes you cant even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. huh. now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing. but thats, thats a myth. its actually your head that shrinks."

"hey, they want to know what i think about caller-id. do i think about that?
(looks at telephone bill)
oh! "

"well, i thought i was going to spend today in the garage, listening to my records on the quadraphonic. but now that were going to the funeral, i have to re-seal the shrink wrap. "

"we have a saying in our house: 'after an hour, eat without her. if it's any longer, something's wronger.'"

"look at that sky, malcolm. just think, somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us... or would it be up at us? or maybe sideways...."
malcolm: "trust me, dad, they're all looking down on us."