"don't you honey me! you slipped me drugs. you oughta be ashamed of yourself, getting reese to sandbag me like that. the kids never brought me anything in his entire life. and don't think i can't smell those gutbusters coming out of your pores. you are back on ricecakes, mister, starting now!"

"once upon a time there was a little boy who made his mother so crazy she decided to sell him to the circus."

"Not in this house. you know how your father feels about evil puppet movies!"

"honey, i'm very proud of you. but you still haven't proved to me you're old enough to extend your bedtime."

"we're not going to throw away perfectly good pie filling and lamb chutney."

"Ninety dollars? for a toy? does it teach you to pick up your socks? cause that i'd be interested in."

"for crying out loud, that's no monster, that's your conscience. be thankful god gave you one. it's a gift. and you know what most people do with theirs? they keep 'em in the closet all year, and only bring it out when they think he's coming to visit. you're not like that. good for you."

"you are not a weirdo, you are gifted. and if gifted kids are meant to square dance, then you'll do it. it probably teaches you about geometry. "

"you know, sometimes bad things happen and you don't understand why, and you just have to trust that there's a good reason for it. sure, it's easy to work in mysterious ways when you have a job."

"there is nothing wrong with being smart. there is nothing wrong with being cut from the herd. it makes you the one buffalo that isn't there when the indians run the rest of them off the cliff."

"what's the matter? afraid you can't beat your mommy?"

"you just take your legs for granted. you know, like nothing could ever happen to them. well, let me tell you, that is just wishful thinking. there's accidents. i could be giving you a spanking and accidentally snap your spinal cord. every day is a lottery and first prize is that you don't have to scoot yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands. you think about that."

"don't touch the registers. don't touch the candy. don't touch the price tags, and don't touch the microphone. and that includes "by accident", that includes "just looking", that includes hovering with your finger a half inch away from it. fair warning."

"are you happy you crippled your mother?"

"look, honey, you're probably very bright, but you've got a lot to learn about boys. first off, they're able to think maybe three minutes into the future. and it's our job to make sure that that future comes crashing down on them within the time limit. otherwise they'll never learn anything."

"i'll tell ya what they're gonnna pay ya. they're gonna pay what all jobs pay. less than you're worth, and just enough to keep you crawling back for more. Now go on, it's bedtime."

"you're a nice boy malcolm, and i'll kick the conniption out of anybody who says you aren't. including that little voice in your head. "

"you know what, i don't understand how you can rattle off all of those numbers, but you can't remember to brush your teeth."

"you're young and you're pretty and you love to get sixteen year old boys so twisted up they don't know what they're doing. and you think it's all in fun, and then you'll move on and you won't care how bad you hurt him. well, let me tell you something, young lady. hearts are precious things. you should be careful with them."

"look at those parker boys across the street. they may be healthy, but honest to god those are the ugliest little boys ever born. they look like boiled beets, don't you think? and those henderson kids? that electrocuted their dog when they were trying to get free cable? how smart can they be? just remember, any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser who will end up working in a car wash." -l ois
"this shouldn't make me feel better, but it does." - malcolm

"they have a special program for gifted children, they have advanced text books and devoted teachers and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste on normal kids."

"there's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd. it makes you the one buffalo that isn't there when the indians run the rest of them off the cliff."

"i'll tell you what they're going to pay you, they're going to pay you what all jobs pay, less than you're worth and just enough to keep you crawling back for more."