#1 pilot: aired sunday, january 9, 2000
we are introduced to malcolm and his family. malcolm is forced into a "gifted" class, and manages to engineer a scene with the school bully that makes him the new hero of his school.
#2 red dress: aired sunday, january 16, 2000
lois and hal are preparing to celebrate their 16th anniversary, and lois has saved up for two months for a fabulous new red dress. when she finds it burned and in the toilet, she spends what should have been a romantic evening torturing her three youngest sons to get one of them to confess to the crime. the boys call their eldest brother for advice on how to outwit their mother. meanwhile, hal is waiting at the restaurant, downing vodka martinis and bonding with the men's room attendant.
#3 home alone 4: aired sunday, january 23, 2000
the boys try to make francis look good when he's left in charge of his younger brothers while their parents are away at a wedding.
#4 shame: aired sunday, february 6, 2000
malcolm is guilt-ridden after beating up a school bully who turns out to be just a 7-year-old brat. he enters a charity race to counter a bad deed with a good one, but even though he gets tons of pledges he ends up tripping at the starting line and not being able to run the race. francis tries to sabotage a commandant's lecture on the dangers of sex by changing slides around, but the commandant is trickier and ends up showing slides of francis picking his nose. hal cuts down a tree in the front yard that's been bothering him, but the neighbors say it's a blight on their neighborhood 'cause now they can see his house. he, reese and dewey have loads of fun with the wood-chipper, but ends up missing the old tree. a member of the bully-that-malcolm-beat-up's family comes by to pick a fight with hal, and after hal beats him up he finds out he was only fifteen.
#5 malcolm babysits: aired sunday, february 13, 2000
malcolm's house is bug-infested, and so the whole family moves into a trailer in the front yard while the exterminators do their work. malcom gets a job babysitting for a "normal" family which he loves. they feed him and pay him well, have satellite tv and tell him how much he is a part of the family and how much they trust him. he is very disappointed when he discovers the nanny-cam, and sees all the tapes they have compiled on him. he leaves them a harsh video farewell. meanwhile, because of the heat and the close quarters, hal and lois have a huge argument, and for some reason don't make up right away like they usually do. hal figures out it's because they can't have make-up sex like they normally do because they're in the trailer with the kids, so he buys them gas masks and they venture back into the poisonous house for some privacy.
#6 sleepover: aired sunday, february 20, 2000
malcolm goes to stevie's for a sleepover and is horrified by how controlling and over-protective his parents are. he and stevie sneak out and go to an arcade, but when stevie's wheelchair is stolen they spend the rest of the night trying to figure out how to get stevie around and hunting for his chair. they finally find the chair and head back to stevie's. stevie says he's never been in trouble and is sort of looking forward to it. malcolm is just hoping they don't get caught. stevie is a little horrified when he sees the many police cars pulled up at his house, and malcolm just disappears. reese really wants to stay up late and watch a horror movie, but his mother challenges him to an arm-wrestle to prove that he's old enough to extend his bedtime. he loses miserably, and then tries to prove his maturity in other ways. his mother says if he can give dewey his bath and put him to bed, he can stay up late. hal and lois giggle at the impossible task that reese now has, and decide to enjoy the little bit of alone time they'll have while their elder son struggles with their youngest. hal goes off to a pornographic bookstore to get some supplies, and actually passes malcolm pushing stevie in a grocery cart, but he's so focused on the task at hand that he just gives stevie some spare change and heads home. while hal and lois are romping in the bedroom, reese is passed out in the hallway and dewey is happily watching the horror movie in his pajamas.
#7 francis escapes: aired sunday, february 27, 2000
francis has racked up a huge bill calling his girlfriend, bebe, so his mother has his phone privileges at military school taken away. he runs away from school to see bebe, but when he finally sees her she dumps him. meanwhile, malcolm tells his parents that francis is in town, but misdirects his mother to the park where she starts harassing young couples making out. dewey is afraid of the monster under his bed come to eat his brain.
#8 krelboyne picnic: aired sunday, march 12, 2000
at a picnic for malcolm's special class, malcolm is dreading doing his scheduled performance, and so uses stevie's chemicals to make a stink-bomb that turns out to be a level 3 toxic bio-hazard. to save the picnic and caroline's job, he does his performance anyway, showing off scary math skills. francis goes through an entire relationship with a girl in one day. reese preys on the little loser smart kids, but ends up getting tortured by one of their older brothers. hal infuses the tofu-filled grill with some real meat, which the other fathers are excited about, but freaks out the vegetarian kids. lois overthrows a tyrant mother who has been ruling all the other mothers of the class with an iron hand.
#9 lois vs. evil: aired sunday, march 19, 2000
lois loses her job at the pharmacy after dewey steals an expensive bottle of liquor, so malcolm and his brothers are eating rice and macaroni for every meal and are going to school in dirty clothes. the girl that malcolm likes in school starts a food drive for malcolm's family after overhearing him complain about being poor. after hal eats some bad peaches and ends up with thousands of dollars in hospital bills, lois eats her pride and goes back to her horrible ex-boss to ask for her job back. however, when he tries to get her to sign a written apology to him, she can't take it and tells him off, listing some of the awful things that he's done that she knows about, but has more decency than to tell. luckily, her ex-co-workers overhear her, and she gets her job back when her ex boss "mysteriously" quits. francis is helping out a beauty pageant, and finds he can get really close to the girls when they mistake him for gay. he still want to actually get one of the girls though, so he pretends to one of them that she might be able to convert him. he thinks he's got the perfect plan until this girl brings him to a preacher who lectures to "pray away the gay."
#10 stock car races: aired sunday, april 2, 2000
hal secretly takes malcolm, reese and dewey to the stock-car races on a school day. reese and malcolm end up attacking a security officer, while dewey finds himself actually on a race track. at home, lois is searching for her paycheck and gets caught up in finding evidence against her husband and sons in the nooks and crannies of the house. caroline stops by to report that malcolm has been ditching school because of square-dancing, and caroline and lois end up bonding. francis gets in trouble for smoking at school, and when the commandant punishes the other cadets as well, they give francis a beating to show their appreciation. however, when francis manages to get everyone punished for having a pet snake that eats the commandant's dog, he expects a beating but instead gets praise because all the cadets hated that dog.
#11 funeral: aired sunday, april 9, 2000
when the whole family balks at being responsible and going to her aunt helen's funeral, an exasperated lois declares that no one in the family has to do anything anymore and goes to take a bubble bath. francis feels like he's not a part of the family anymore when no one even tells him when relatives die. dewey, with his new mysterious silent friend egg, pours his own juice and makes a sudsy mess of the kitchen trying to clean it up. reese, who broke dewey's future birthday present and was psyched to hide the evidence in aunt helen's casket, is upset that the family is not attending the funeral and kicks the garbage can around the kichen. hal, enjoying a day with no responsibility, indulges in listening to his old records and stretches the electrical cord of his record player across a doorway to do it. julie comes by to pick up malcolm to go to a concert, and in the chaos walks in on malcolm in his underwear. she runs out, only to trip over the electrical cord, slide across the soap-filled kitchen floor, and land in a pile of garbage. she runs out of the house in horror screaming at malcolm to leave her alone. malcolm decides he has to fix the situation, so he rats out reese with dewey's broken toy.
#12 cheer leader: aired sunday, april 16, 2000
reese admits to having a crush on a girl at school named wendy. when malcolm advises reese to find out what wendy's interested in (instead of torturing her like he's been doing), reese joins the cheerleading squad. meanwhile, lois tells hal it's time to have "the talk" with the boys. malcolm helps reese with his routine, and reese performs really well, finally getting wendy's attention. however, when wendy talks to reese, he becomes an imbecile in her presence. hal has "the talk" with the boys, and it turns out that it's not about sex (they already know about), it's actually about the afflication that all male members of his family have: the idiocy with which they deal with women. reese thinks he's doomed, but malcolm encourages him to keep trying, and reese finally makes normal contact with wendy... destroying a cheerleading pyramid in the process. spangler tries to get through to francis by relating his own childhood, and ends up revisiting his psychological issues with his mother. we see the world through dewey's eyes, and realize why he acts the way he does.
#13 rollerskates: aired sunday, april 30, 2000
lois gets so upset with reese that when she yells her back goes out. although she's confined to bed and in a lot of pain, she refuses to take her pain-killers because they make her loopy. reese finally sneaks her pills in to a glass of milk after hal's pill-laden sandwiches fail. malcolm wants a pair of inline skates, but his father refuses to give them to him until he teaches him how to skate. malcolm knows that francis and reese have both gone through this, but neither older brother will talk about it. it turns out their father is a roller-disco queen, and he teaches malcolm disco moves on mock-skates. malcolm thinks his father is insane, and when hal busts malcolm trying to use his inline skates for street hockey before hal has said it is okay, malcolm calls his dad a really dirty word. hal sits malcolm down with ten pages of nasty words and has him use all of them so that he'll realize how they can hurt. malcolm finally submits to his father's teaching, and finds that the disco moves actually come in handy in street hockey even though they make him look like an idiot. francis avoids going on a survival trip into the woods at school by pretending that his back went out like his mother's. when the other boys return, they bust him playing around and throw him out into the woods in his bathrobe tied to a chair with no emergency rations.
#14 the bots and the bees: aired sunday, may 7, 2000
francis has an emergency appendectomy, so lois goes to alabama to take care of him for a few days. he's been telling all his fellow cadets that she is a nightmare, but everyone, including commandant spangler, thinks she's really cool. francis is frustrated, but they end up enjoying the gay rodeo together. with lois away, hal is unable to sleep and starts reverting to his old crazy ways: smoking, dancing around in his underwear and ripping the phone out of the wall. malcolm and his krelboyne classmates start work on a killer robot, and hal takes over the project, creating lois ii: a bee-shooting robot. when malcolm and hal get in a scuffle over hal quitting his job, hal ends up as lois ii's first victim.
#15 smunday: aired sunday, may 14, 2000
the boys stay home from school when their mother thinks it's sunday instead of monday. malcolm thinks up a plan to get francis out of trouble when malcolm helps get him into it in the first place. hal gets sucked in by a Porsche dealership.
#16 water park: aired sunday, may 21, 2000
when the family goes to a water park for the day, dewey is left at home with an elderly stern baby sitter that he ends up bonding with. after they dance around the kitchen, she has to be taken away in an ambulence, and dewey goes chasing after a red balloon being carried by the wind. at the water park, lois and hal are trying to enjoy a "tropical" vacation, while malcolm and reese are at war. the boys end up ruining their parents day, and while lois is yelling at them malcolm pushes her down a huge waterslide. she then drags the boys down with her. francis has been playing pool with commandant spangler and losing. spangler finds out that francis has been out at local bars hustling, and is upset that francis has been letting him win. spangler insists that francis play his best game of pool against him, while francis's fellow cadets tell him he has to lose so spangler doesn't get upset. spangler and francis end up in a battle as to who can play a more spectacularly bad game of pool, pulling trick shots to scratch on the eight-ball.