season 2: 5th november 2000 - 20th may 2001
#1 traffic jam: aired sunday, november 5, 2000
dewey's trip back home involves a friendly farmer woman, a robber, field-workers, a limo, jail, and a motorcycle gang. the family never knows that he's missing because they get stuck in a huge traffic jam on their way home from the water park after narrowly being the cause of it. hal is obsessed with how close he came to death. lois is incredibly frustrated that there's nothing she can do to make the car accident get cleaned up faster. lois releases a dog trapped in a hot car with the windows closed that turns out to vicious. reese leads an attack on an ice-cream truck when the ice-cream man won't sell any of his wares. malcolm falls for a girl that he meets in the traffic jam, but then finds out she is from canada. francis tries to prove that he can eat 100 pink sugar quacks (think peeps).
#2 halloween approximately: aired wednesday, november 8, 2000
hal becomes obessessed with a blue car that's been speeding up and down the street. he and lois finally hunt it down and steal it. they get caught up in the moment and the power of the car and decide to call themselves consuela and raoul and run away to mexico. they make passionate love in the back seat of the car, come to their senses, sink the car in a nearby pond and go back to their lives as parents. francis comes back from school for the weekend, and since he missed halloween, he and his younger brothers decide to pull a halloween prank late. they build a huge sling-shot that can project objects over two blocks away, and completely terrorize the neighborhood. unfortunately, one of their targets are the krelboynes who are nearby at stevie's house watching a meteor shower. the krelboynes build their own, better, sling-shot, and kick the wilkerson boys' asses.
#3 lois's birthday: aired sunday, november 12, 2000
lois is feeling under-appreciated. she gives the boys thirty dollars to buy her something. what lois gets is a eyeglass repair kit, throat lozenges and a dirt bike magazine. the boys get twenty dollars of candy. after a few plot twists they end up serenading her with their love and kicking clown butt. meantime, francis meets and gorgeous amaani but he is too occupied with his mother to pay much attention to her. when he jumps into the clown milieu she walks.
#4 dinner out: aired wednesday, november 15, 2000
the family goes out to dinner with stevie's family, they scare them, then convert them. or as malcolm put it, "stevie beat the crap out of reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom's gone totally psycho. oh my god, we're contagious!" at the marlin academy, francis invites in the local girls that have been standing at the gates for six months. they turn the place upside down.
#5 casino: aired sunday, november 19, 2000
all kinds of things get blown up! in further news, francis learns how to get free flights by pretending to be a vulnerable 18 y.o. girl. we see hal and malcolm grovel to a couple 'manly men.' the plot is not so important in this episode, it's all about the gags. the basic premise is that the family goes on a weekend excursion to a casino on an indian reservation. there the men wander on to a artillery range and things blow up. francis sneaks home but has no one to play with.
#6 convention: aired wednesday, november 22, 2000
hal and lois leave town for two days to go to a convention. hal lets loose his long-seated anger at an old co-worker and gets into numerous fist fights. reese, malcolm and dewey plan to torture their babysitter until they see the beautiful teenaged patty, at which point they start competing to get in her good graces. dewey manages to be adorable and outsmart his older brothers. meanwhile, patty revisits an old crush on francis from when she used to be fat, and francis turns down her invitation over the phone because he remembers her as the ugly girl with a crush on him.
#7 robbery: aired sunday, november 26, 2000
when the drug store is held up, lois has to save new assistant manager craig's butt. fearing for his life, craig admits his love to lois who takes it as her duty to crush his hopes of ever being with her. craig snaps and performs heroically in the face of danger. hal brings home an old armoire he found in the trash as an anniversary present for lois, but he and the boys spend the evening fighting off the many bats that come flying out of it and into the house. francis tries to get his friend finley's mind off of the fact that his girlfriend dumped by taking him to a strip club, a cock fight and getting him arrested.
#8 therapy: aired wednesday, november 29, 2000
malcolm fakes a mental breakdown to get out of the embarassing krelboyne medieval fair. just as he's faking a recovery so that he can attend a cool class field trip, reese catches on to the scam and decides to give it a try himself. reese's actions prompt the school counselor to visit the boys' home, but despite malcolm's fears of retribution from his mother, the visit actually prompts a bonding moment between lois and malcolm. lois cleans out a disaster of a closet in the house and discovers a second bathroom. in the closet, hal finds an old game called "skittles" and dewey is instantly good at it. hal wants to show off dewey's skills to a friend, but dewey decides he's bored with it and gives up what hal thinks is the boy's calling. francis has laundry duty at marlin academy, and everyone is impressed with their softer cleaner clothes. when francis gets gifts and presents from his classmates, he gets greedy and starts asking exorbitant fees for favors. another cadet gets pissed off and puts a red shirt in with a load of whites, getting francis in trouble with all of his fellow cadets.
#9 high school play: aired sunday, december 10, 2000
malcolm gets a role in the high school play and is so captivated by high school gossip that he forgets his lines. lois discovers the joys of massage. hal and dewey build a society of model buildings in the living room. francis tries to show his individualism at school when the commandant cracks down on personal belongings.
#10 the bully: aired sunday, december 17, 2000
reese is suddenly the school hero when he joins the wrestling team, but after he gets thrashed by a girl wrestler, he misses that feeling of pride. he decides to give up being the school bully and instead tries to do many misguided good deeds. the school kids are excited to be out from under the reign of reese, but malcolm soon learns that not everyone appreciates his sarcastic comments all the time, and now that his brother is no longer there to protect him, everyone wants to beat up malcolm because he hurt their feelings. just as reese is about to join a feel-good cult, the krelboynes beg him to regain his crown as school bully because lots of little bullies are causing anarchy. francis, scared of the school tradition of having every hair shaved from his body on his birthday, begs his parents to fly him home, but they can't afford it. finally, he thinks he has an out when he injures his hand and the nurse takes pity on him and invites him over to her apartment for birthday cake. lois and hal, feeling guilty for not being able to fly francis home, send him a birthday basket of cookies, which reveals to all of francis's fellow cadets what he's been trying to hide: it's his birthday. francis ends up going on his hot nurse date with absolutely no hair.
#11 old mrs. old: aired sunday, january 7, 2001
dewey starts carrying a purse to school. francis's friend richie joins him at military school. malcolm becomes a slave to an old woman in the neighborhood.
#12 krelboyne girl: aired sunday, january 14, 2001
there's a new girl in the krelboyne class. malcolm learns that his dull pencils were part of an elaborate yet unknown hazing. cynthia is a fresh recruit from new york, and she earns malcolm's affections with wit and israeli ass whoopin' moves. but she's weird, she picks ear wax while flirting. of course, malcolm throws bricks through windows, so they're a match. meanwhile dewey is wearing a home made hazmat suit killing all the home's scary germs, because he doesn't want to lose his eyes. and, francis, he hasn't done anything worse than usual, but hal lies for him. hal feels guilty. francis must pay. one hopes this means francis will get over his mother, his future therapist has to catch some kind of break.
#13 new neighbors: aired sunday, january 21, 2001
malcolm's family tries to become friendly with their new neighbors with the pool, but end up with new enemies instead. neighbor boy josh convinces dewey that the lawn gnome wants to eat him, and spreads vicious lies about malcolm that have the police coming to visit. young daughter emily likes to bite reese every chance she can get, and reese can't fight back because she's just a four-year-old girl. lois takes an immediate dislike to tina, the mother of the family, who refuses to admit that emily has a biting problem and treats her hispanic gardener like dirt. only hal bonds with new neighbor father mike, but they have to carry on their friendship in secret. malcolm enlists reese's help in smearing josh's name the way josh did his. in the process of planting evidence under josh's window they bust and draw attention to tina having an affair, in the pool, with her gardener. the new neighbors move out. commandant spangler works his cadets hard to prepare for his hero, oliver north's, visit. when north arrives, spangler is so nervous that he drinks himself into a stupor. when he wakes up in the morning, francis sees a man so disappointed in missing his one chance at meeting his hero that he convinces spangler that he and north actually stayed up all night chatting and drinking scotch.
#14 hal quits: aired sunday, february 4, 2001
malcolm becomes concerned with his future and his career. he takes an aptitude test which doesn't help because he finds out that he is equally excellently qualified to do anything. hal, after having a bad time at dewey's class career day, quits his job and decides to paint. his family is amazed at the transformation: suddenly he's happy and more attentive to both his sons and his wife. however, he soon becomes obessesed and spends twenty-four hours a day painting, even stealing money from francis for more paint. he becomes more and more frustrated until he's ready to give up, but lois pushes him and he finishes his masterpiece... only to have the five-hundred gallons of paint he slapped up fall down on his head. francis gets a job over spring break at lucky aide, where lois works, and loses his mind working for craig in inventory.
#15 the grandparents: aired sunday, february 11, 2001
lois's nightmare parents, victor and ida, come for a surprise visit and throw the family into turmoil not only with their mere presence, but by promising to pay for a much-needed refrigerator and then renegging after lois and hal spend money they don't have. lois and hal are forced to ask ida and victor to stay longer to help take care of the kids while they work some crazy overtime. victor treats reese like a king while ida tortures malcolm for being a smart wimp. victor gives reese a live grenade, and when reese inevitably arms it, malcolm's quick thinking blows up the new refrigerator instead of the whole house. hal extorts money out of lois's parents to pay for the damage. francis motivates his fellow cadets to break out for a weekend and go to new orleans for mardi gras, but then spend the entire time there suffering from eating bad sushi.
#16 traffic ticket: aired sunday, february 18, 2001
lois is pulled over by a corrupt cop she forces to pay for his purchase at the mini-mart. she's arrested for having 16 outstanding parking tickets, which turn out to be francis's. she's sure she was pulled over illegitimately and decides to take the matter to court. malcolm discovers craig has a cache of mini-mart video tapes (hot moms, mini-skirt montage, loose blouse/low shelf) and one of them shows lois cutting off a volvo. after lois has intimidated the cop, her family shows her the tape and convinces her that she was wrong for the first time in her life. this absolutely breaks her. but then craig finds a tape showing the accident from another angle, where it is obvious the near miss was caused by the volvo's u-turn. lois will never see the second tape.
#17 surgery: aired sunday, february 25, 2001
malcolm is admitted to the hospital for stomach pains. dr. harrison wants to operate, malcolm is not as excited about the prospect. spangler takes the cadets' tv, leading francis to start a hunger strike. the family starts an epic game of march and conquer since malcolm is not there to defeat them all. lois is winning until the boys form a secret alliance. back at the hospital, malcolm can't sleep as the interns try to perform a lobotomy on him and helmut the orderly drags bodies down the hallways. he is also feeling better so he gives his clean blood and urine to a drug addict for testing, a win-win if i ever heard of one. francis maintains solidarity, but is so delirious when he negotiates with spangler that all he gets is spangler's "magic hat". malcolm threatens to sue and is sent home, uncut.
#18 reese cooks: aired sunday, march 4, 2001
when malcolm's freaky krelboyne friend cynthia decides to have a party and invites the whole school, malcolm is afraid she's setting herself up for disappointment. when he can't talk her out of it, he takes her to the boys' room and shows her all the terrible things written about her on the wall. she is crushed and cancels the party. malcolm goes over to her house to apologize to her, and is there when hordes of kids show up for the party anyway. malcolm ends up being the only person who doesn't have a good time. francis's fellow cadet eric is frustrated because francis won't work on his half of their joint history project. he tries everything to get francis to focus, but first francis distracts him with games, and then he gets distracted by everything from bugs to strings coming off his sweater. finally, when francis drags him to cynthia's party (yes, they drove eight hours for it), eric resigns himself to going to summer school. hal and lois are frustrated when their various punishments seem to have no effect on reese's bad behavior. hal decides his son needs more attention, so he signs himself and reese up for a cooking class. it turns out that reese is a natural at cooking: he enjoys it and he's really good at it. when their class has a cooking contest, reese is a shoe-in to win, but just to make sure of his victory, he sabotages everyone else's dishes. his parents are horrified when they realize that reese doesn't care at all that he did something wrong. they only way hal and lois can punish him so that he actually cares is to take away his cooking privileges.
#19 tutoring reese: aired sunday, march 11, 2001
malcolm takes a test for reese and is shocked to receive an f. francis, home for the weekend, refuses to do chores and ends up staying in a friend's cold smelly basement. dewey befriends a housefly.
#20 bowling: aired sunday, april 1, 2001
in two simultaneous yet exclusive storylines, reese and malcolm go bowling while dewey is stuck at home being punished for a parakeet accident.
#21 malcolm vs. reese: aired sunday, april 22, 2001
francis is home for the weekend, and decides, for fun, to get two tickets to a wrestling match and make malcolm and reese compete for his love... and the second ticket. malcolm and reese slave for francis, and finally resort to trying to get each other grounded so the other brother won't be able to go. when francis finds his younger brothers hurting themselves to get their mom mad at the other brother, he breaks it to them that he actually met a girl who likes wrestling, so he's going to take her. malcolm and reese pull the prank of all time on francis, getting him busted for stealing a car, driving without a license and kidnapping of his little brothers. meanwhile, dewey is taking care of craig's cat jellybean while craig is out of town. hal comes to the rescue after dewey loses jellybean, but only manages to get craig's apartment vandalized. lois then comes to the rescue after hal finds every cat in the neighborhood except jellybean, but only manages to burn down craig's apartment. they finally find jellybean, and craig and his cat move into their house. lois makes malcolm and reese slaves to craig as their punishment for getting francis arrested.
#22 mini-bike: aired sunday, april 29, 2001
craig is now a semi-permanent guest at malcolm's house, and a terrible one at that. hal goes to spend father/son weekend with francis at school, and is initially ashamed of his son when commandant spangler tells him how awful francis is. however, when hal finally sees an example of what spangler is complaining about (francis stands up for one of his fellow cadets when spangler unreasonably punishes him), he ends up very proud of his son. back at home, malcolm and his brothers find and fix-up an old mini-bike. they're all excited to ride it when lois discovers them and forbids it. they work on her and work on her to get her to change her mind, but it isn't until malcolm and dewey confront her with her dangerous horseback-riding past that she gives a little. unfortunately, reese has already taken the mini-bike out for a forbidden spin, and not only has he busted up the bike, he's also broken his leg. the brothers quickly come up with a plan to make it look like craig ran over reese's leg with a car, and even though lois knows they're lying, she lets them get away with it because it gets craig out of the house.
#23 carnival: aired sunday, may 6, 2001
malcolm, his brothers and stevie use the old "sleeping over at a friend's house" trick to sneak away to the local county fair. the boys arrive at the fair late, and end up getting locked inside after-hours when they get stuck on a lame haunted house ride. the boys are on the lam from a violent and tipsy security guard, but stevie manages to get caught and is taken hostage. as malcolm and reese argue over the best way to free their friend, dewey wanders off and befriends a gang of sideshow freaks. the freaks reason with the guard, who mainly has hurt feelings from being excluded from a recent birthday party, and secure stevie's freedom. meanwhile, hal, lois and the kenarbans scour the streets looking for their sons andfinally turn to francis for help. with francis's advice, the parents show up at the carnival and enjoy meeting dewey's new friends before taking their kids home.
#24 evacuation: aired sunday, may 13, 2001
the family gets a new couch, and when malcolm gets home too late to help bring it inside, lois grounds him even though he was with stevie doing homework. hal takes dewey to the dump to get rid of their old couch, but they lose it off the top of the car somewhere along the way. it turns out the couch ended up on railroad tracks, and derails a train causing a toxic chemical spill. the neighborhood is evacuated the school gym, where lois continues to ground malcolm by making him not leave his cot. malcolm finally rebels against lois's ridiculous punishment, but when lois shows that she could still spank him if she wants to, he is cowed. reese hoards supplies and then makes ridiculous demands on other evacuees in exchange for cups, blankets and toilet-paper. dewey gets chocolate and sympathy by claiming that his parents were killed in the accident. a guilt-ridden hal, desperate to be helpful, hears the story of a parentless little boy and makes it his duty to gather money for the poor orphan. when the crowd realizes that hal is raising money for his own son, and reese is busted making two diabetics out-bid each other for insulin, the crowd turns on hal and the boys. hal tells his sons to apologize to the crowd and dewey dutifully apologizes to everyone for leaving the couch on the railroad tracks. the whole family, except for malcolm, is banished to a small area outside the gym, and when they beg malcolm for blankets to keep warm, he tells them that he's not allowed to leave his cot. francis's friend eric brings francis along on a date to distract his girlfriend's younger sister. francis finds himself abandoned in a diner with a twelve-year-old girl, but is surprised when he actually has a good time with her.
#25 flashback: aired sunday, may 20, 2001
when lois thinks she might be pregnant, she and hal argue and recount the stories behind the births of each of their four sons. with each new child, we see the demise of hal and lois's once stable homelife, ultimately resulting in the chaotic madness it is today. from lois in labor with francis at their wedding, to hal's demotion at work, to reese's violence as a fetus, to malcom's in-utero education, to the reaffirmation of their love in the rain with lois in labor with dewey, hal and lois realize that despite how much their lives have changed, they're still in love with each other. dewey, worried about his parents loud fighting, expresses concern to his brothers, each of whom assures him that their parents always work things out. dewey is pleased when his brothers are proved right.