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malcolm in the middle
malcolm's journal season 3

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"houseboat" original air date 11/11/01

our vacations have never been the most elaborate, but this year we at least had some outside hope for something different. i guess sharing a houseboat with the kenarbans fits into that category. mom brought us all to the sporting goods store for new swimming suits, a rare treat. i couldn't believe what happened next though. dad was trying on skimpy suits and accidentally mistook some other woman for mom. he slapped her on the ass and then got locked out of his dressing room. i felt really bad because i probably could've helped him out if it wasn't for this girl i was talking towhat? she was hot!

of course mom yelled at me because dad almost got arrested. geez, like i didn't feel bad enough already. and to top it off, dad wasn't talking to me at all. yeah, this vacation was looking better and better every minute.

when we got to the boat, dewey totally freaked out because there wasn't any tv and dad still wasn't talking to me. it turned out that him not talking was just a hoax because he was waiting to surprise me with a new fishing rod. he said the two of us would go out on the lake together. yep, back in the saddle - no sweat. i mean, it's bad enough having one parent against you, and i couldn't bare dad not talking to me. so everything was fine, great, wonderful, except for one small problem. across the lake there was an all-girls cheerleaders camp that had been deprived of male contact for weeks. they invited stevie, reese and i to come out on the lake with them, but i had to go fishing with dad. it wasn't so bad. wait, what am i saying? it was horrible! i've never been so bored in my whole life. and to make matters worse, stevie and reese went to the cheerleaders camp and did who-knows-what with who-knows-whohot cheerleaders that's who!

the next morning, dad woke me before dawn and made me sit in that boatsit in that boatsit in that boat. you get the point. we did catch a fish however, only i don't know what came over me. suddenly i couldn't resist the urge any longer. just as dad was putting the fish in the boat, i totally lost it. i gunned the motor and dad flipped out of the boat. what can i say, i wanted to be near those cheerleaders.

so that was our trip. sure we got three weeks of slave labor, but for some reason, i couldn't stop smiling. dad has decided to move on to dewey and mom, well evidently francis is moving to alaska, so she has a little bit on her mind at the moment.

 

"emancipation" original air date 11/14/01

i guess when you're in the gifted class, the first day of school is really like summer vacation; it's a breeze. besides, i really needed a break from mom. she's gone totally nuts over francis moving to alaska and all. man, it's good to get away.

so this year we got a new teacher, and, guess what, he used to be a krelboyne too! looks like he's stuck teaching us because the internet company that he started went belly-up and now he's brokeso much for that double doctorate from harvard, i guess. at least this year we'll be challenged.

the only problem is that our new teacher is a complete and total jerk. he's got this torturous grading system where he disregards our names and calls us by numbers that correspond to our grade ranking. it's ridiculous since we all get a's anyway, but apparently, some a's are better then others in his opinion. i'm ranked number one in the class, so i'm not all that worried about it, but i mean, this new system has got the other krelboyne's crazy. all they do is freak out about their rankings and study constantly, even at lunch! so i figured there had to be a way to beat the system. i devised a fool-proof plan to lead us to freedom. i figured that as long as everyone failed the next test on purpose, it would make the grading system totally obsolete. those paranoid krelboyne's chickened out, though, they couldn't even fail a test on purpose! so i got the only f in the class, causing my ranking to drop from first to last and causing me to officially declare war on the class.

oh, i almost forgot. francis came home before going to alaska but mom wouldn't even let him in the house. i'll get back to that in a minute.

so after the krelboyne's abandoned me in my system cracker, i decided to show them what being number one was really like. i figured as long as the system existed, i may as well be on top of it. i did all this extra work to rise back to the top. the class couldn't take the extra pressure i put on them. they were pressed so hard that they finally cracked. i mean totally flipped out. we're talking clothes being ripped off, rolling in the mud, screaming for your mother flipped out. it was really cool. i guess there was no way to beat the system, but breaking it sure was fun.

back at home francis was about to leave when mom finally decided to make amends. just as they were about to reconcile, francis started screaming at her, blaming her for him moving away. dad led us into the house before we got to hear any more, but i'm sure it was a classic.

 

"charity" original air date 12/02/01

for the first time ever, we didn't do anything, yet mom felt the need to punish us. she gave us a choice: help old people or help poor people. reese went with old people until i described the smell that would surround us. so off to the old church we went to help its charity collect donations for the poor. i guess it could've been worse, but we started getting jealous when we realized that the stuff people were throwing away was way better than our own stuff. we're poor!

this week there were a lot of firsts. for one thing, this was the first time reese's ideas actually made sense. he devised a plan that allowed us to trade our own stuff for the goodwill stuff, as long as it was of equal or greater value. this way, instead of one poor person getting something new, two poor people do. and we're poor! everyone's a winner!

so we started trading: backpack for backpack, toys for toys, shoes for shoes. it was great. when we told our friends at school about it, they wanted in on the action too. but they started giving us money for stuff. reese figured as long as we give the money to the collection plate that they were going to sell the item for, we could keep the rest. i think things started to go wrong when we started selling the stereo equipment out of our bedroom. we finally started feeling guilty, realizing that this was by far the worst thing we've ever done. so i told dad. after he came to, he decided to punish us on his own without telling mom. good choice, we thought. so we had to sneak everything back into the church, only dad's car broke down on the way and he began selling the items on the street. and then he got arrested! this seems to be happening a lot lately.

when we got home, mom was being really nice. we couldn't figure out why. she cooked us a good dinner, and she was even smiling. why? well, she took all of our stuff and gave it to charity. i mean all of our stuff. we were left with only two sets of clothes. i guess we learned a little about materialism and of course the more valuable lesson of fencing high-end electronics!

 

"book club" original air date 11/18/01

i can't believe it finally happened. a night without mom. although i can't really blame her, if i had to watch us seven days a week, i'd have joined a book club too. of course you know what this means - dad's in charge - big mistake.

so reese and i had all these fireworks buried in the backyard that we wanted to use as revenge for not being invited to some stupid party. now that mom was gone, it should've been no problem. but then dad went totally nuts and forced us to stay in our rooms. we hadn't even done anything yet! well, just as we were about to climb out the window, he came back in the room with ice-cream. we couldn't figure it out. i figured he must've been feeling guilty about something so it would be a perfect time to exploit it by sending in a crying dewey to divert his attention. only he had us pinned again and made us do jumping jacks! jumping jacks? i mean, he's totally crazy. oh, but dewey threw up from the ice-cream, so that was cool.

at least with mom there's consistency, but dad was totally impossible to predict. he was always two steps ahead of us. he finally lost it though and had to take a bath or something. as soon as he was soaking, we were digging up the explosives. but here's the kicker, mom came back and caught us red-handed. she started really yelling at us but we could only hear every forth word because a police helicopter was flying overhead. who would've guessed that our first visit from a flying patrol would be there to arrest mom!

 

"girlfriend" original air date 11/28/01

sarah coleman. sarah coleman. sarah coleman. even the sound of her name makes me feelokay i'll get to the good stuff. i finally got a girlfriend. i mean, i had a girlfriend. i was totally in love with this girl. i mean, she was smart, cool, good looking. i thought she'd never go out with me because that would clearly make me happy, and god forbid i ever have that! but she did, she actually went out with me, i had a girlfriend!

what is it about having a girlfriend that makes you so paranoid about everything? suddenly your mind races with a ton of questions. am i a good kisser? where were you at 4:53 pm? how come you called tonight but not last night? i know it's crazynow. but i just couldn't help it. mom freaked out because she said my grades would drop and i'd be eating out of a dumpster in 2 years. well they did drop a little. but i had a girlfriend!

i guess i obsessed a little bit too much. i mean we'd fight all the time, but making up was always so awesome. i couldn't think about anything but her. now i know how reese feels when his mind turns completely off. i couldn't function, this girl drove me crazy and she didn't even do anything. i think the turning point officially came when i saw her talking to some other guy. i figured i could handle it. take the mature approach. so what did i do? i jumped him! i almost got kicked out of school.

i finally told sarah i couldn't take it anymore. i was being driven insane and it was more then i could handle. so i decided to get her a pager so i could keep track of her at all times. then she broke up with me. i guess looking back i should've seen that coming, but at the time i lost itin front of the whole school. i collapsed on the pavement and couldn't even move.

so that was my first girlfriend. i guess i learned a lot. but it wasn't until i totally ruined dewey's new friend's birthday party that i finally snapped out of it and returned to normal. nothing like blowing up a moon-bounce to bring you down to earth.

 

"christmas" original air date 12/16/01

every year during christmas mom freaks out and comes down on us pretty hard for no good reason. i mean it's not as if burning down the tree and beating dad while dressed up as santa claus should constitute years of abusive, right? well, maybe. but this year was especially bad. we realized how cool it was to throw glass ornaments at each other and watch them smash against the walls. mom didn't think it was so cool though; she cancelled christmas!

okay, she didn't actually cancel it, just held it hostage i guess. she threatened to cancel it if we didn't behave perfectly until christmas morning. it actually worked though. sure it was totally creepy around the house, but we were actually able to behave and not fight with each other.

but on the night before christmas i came to a startling realization. seeing as how well the threat of canceling christmas actually worked, mom could theoretically hold all major holidays, birthdays, whatever, hostage. and there was no way we'd let her get away with it. we had to prove to her that we couldn't be controlled by her insane threats! we broke into the garage where mom locked up all the christmas presents and started tearing everything open. we even set out to damage stuff just enough so she couldn't take anything back. the problem was that mom actually got us everything we wanted this year. she really went out of her way. we ruined christmas!

we quickly tried to put everything back. rewrapping everything. but mom and dad walked in on us right in the middle of it. we stared at her like deer caught in headlights, the silence was unbearable. just when we thought our lives would officially end, mom suggested we bring everything into the house and celebrate christmas right there and then. phew, close call. but it actually turned out to be the best christmas i think we've ever had.

 

"health scare" original air date 12/09/01

another week, another reason why i need my own place to live. so, reese and i come home from school and accidentally track mud into the house. mom freaks out, grounds us for a week and barricades us in our room. i mean, literally barricaded us in. now, i clearly have no experience in parenting, but from mom's case history, tracking mud usually warranted a good yelling, or maybe a day in the holebut a whole week?

we figured there had to be something else going on. we just couldn't figure out what. but that really wasn't our biggest concern anyway. number one priority was figuring out how we'd still be able to get to christine matson's party on saturday night. her sister was bringing her catholic school-girl friends!

so i finally had to give in and break out my biggest secret ever. i was saving it for a life or death situation or a really good party, so it seemed appropriate. i brought reese into the closet and removed the floorboards, which lead to the crawl space which lead to salvation!

when everyone went to bed (finally) we snuck out and went to one of the best parties ever! i even made out with a sophomore, it totally ruled. of course we got caught. mom and dad were waiting for us when we got back. do you think it's possible for moms to have sonar? obviously she was mad, but grounding us for the school year sounded a little unreasonable, especially if we were going to be locked in the bathroom. but i finally got it. i finally figured out why she was being so overly crazy.

mom and dad are getting divorced! it was like a weight lifted off our shoulders. we could live with dad, stay up all night, be on our own for the first time ever! don't i wish? not only are they not getting divorced, if they had, mom told us she'd be getting full custody. i guess looking back it's better to have dad as a buffer than nothing at all.

 

"poker" original air date 1/06/02

so i had to write some stupid paper for class and i had no idea what to do it on. i was racking my brain but came up with nothing. to make things worse, stevie decided to do his paper on video: a movie about me doing my paper. it was so annoying so i decided to turn it around and write my paper on stevie doing a movie about me writing a paper. so then he turned it around and did a movie about me writing a paper about him doing a movie on me writing a paper. wow, i didn't think i could get that out.

basically things got to the point where stevie and i couldn't be in the same room together. but when i went to complain to dad, he totally flew off the handle and yelled at stevie. i couldn't believe it. so stevie goes off and tells abe and abe yells at dad. they went back and forth until dad accused abe of ganging up on him in a poker game they recently played. standing nose to nose, dad challenged him to a game, right there and then, with stevie and i there for moral support.

the game was heated, going back and forth, back and forth. i couldn't take it anymore, so when i spotted abe's "tell" i had to get dad to exploit it. unfortunately, stevie joined up with his dad and counteracted our team. the game came down to one big hand, all in. abe threw down three 5's and then dad threw down three 5's. there were six 5's! they started yelling at each other again, but then dad told abe he was his best friend and they shouldn't be fighting over nothing. after that, all was finally forgiven and things got back to their normal-abnormal ways.

 

"reese drives" original air date 2/10/02

have you ever been blamed for something that you didn't do, but no matter what you say or do you can't get out of it? well, that can pretty much sum up how my life has gone: guilty by association of my brother. so, reese is almost old enough to drive and mom and dad are kind of freaking out. he's been on his best behavior for so long, that they haven't found any reason to ground him so he can't get his learner's permit.

in the meantime, i'm the one getting the brunt of mom's berating. craig apparently called her and made up some ridiculous lie about me egging his house. of course, nothing i could say could get me out of it, so mom sent me over there to clean it up. when i got to craig's, he told me he made up the lie so i could help him hook up his stereo. although, it was much more than that. craig had a mission to have the most innovative, state-of-the-art entertainment center ever! upon learning that, i was more than happy to help. after all, watching tv is one of my favorite pastimes.

the thing is, it was actually fun. it challenged my mind, and craig turned out to be an all right guy. so when we were testing it, i was checking the tv for the reception. when it came in - you're not going to believe this, well maybe you will - but reese was involved in a high-speed chase with tons of cops. great, now i'll never drive! guilty by association of my brother again

 

"reese's job" original air date 1/20/02

in class this week, we all got new independent projects. i'm totally convinced that our teacher, mr. herkabe resents me and purposely gives me the hardest projects possible. i mean, just because i'm smarter then the teacher doesn't mean i have to pay for it. so we got this new kid in class, barton, he's 8-years-old but he's smarter than me. than me! did you even think that was possible? well, evidently! of course my assignment is totally impossible, so herkabe, to humiliate me, has barton come over to tutor me. i was totally lost though. but he's eight!

i figured i may as well make the most of it so i decided to talk to him. although it's a little frustrating when an 8-year-old tells you that you're brain is like a bee to him. the nerve! i needed to redeem myself. fortunately reese had a problem which i knew i could solve. he was being accused of stealing $400 from his new job. for once he was actually not guilty.

so we headed over to his bosses house, who i knew was setting him up. oh, by the way, his boss is richie - the only human being i know that is actually dumber than reese. of course richie did it. but when we went over there, barton was able to prove that he didn't. luckily for us, richie's girlfriend came in carrying a new dvd player, caught red-handed.

so we were both right. at least i feel better about myself, and really, isn't that all that matters?

 

"lois' makeover" original air date 1/27/02

so, since i can remember, reese, dewey and i have been playing basketball with dad. it's a 1-on-3 game and we've never, ever won. i think it's something like 300 straight losses. it's pretty embarrassing. after our latest defeat, we realized we needed a new strategy. it turns out that dewey can actually shoot, so we were going to use him as our secret weapon and hope to make dad cry before the day was out.

we played him again and totally mopped the floor with him. he didn't know what hit him. but then, he started playing totally dirty. he practically fouled us on every play and won again! we didn't want to call him a cheater, but he may as well have. we weren't going to give up though. we started practicing plays and developed a strategy that even dad's dirty playing couldn't stop. so while we were practicing, he came out to play with us and hurt his ankle. we thought he faked it, because he was scared to lose to his sons. by they way - we were right, he did fake it.

it was time, and dad was going to go down once and for all. the game went back and forth, we had the lead, then he did, then we did again. we got to the final play, next point wins. dad had the ball and we had a plan to keep him from victory ever again. we decided to use his own strategy against him: that's right, we punched him in the nuts!

game. set. match.

 

"cynthia's back" original air date 2/17/02

remember cynthia? that's right, the krelboyne girl that kicked my butt with her israeli army moves. well, she got back from a semester in europe but she's totally changed. she's become this bitter sarcastic monster that nobody likes. i knew something was wrong, so naturally i had to find out.

when she came over to my house to do homework, she was acting like a complete bitch (strong language - totally necessary though). but suddenly, her sweater caught fire on the stove andoh my god! i meanoh my god! she took off her sweater and she, uh, well, let's just say there were two new additions to the family. she made me promise not to tell anyone though about her new, uh, stature. it actually made things better though. she warmed up and we were having a good time. then reese ruined everything. he started calling her a pig because he thought she got fat. so i accidentally blurted out that she wasn't fat, but had big boobs. big mistake.

reese then made it his mission to see them. whatever, his other greatest aspiration includes beating the "most eaten sub" record at quiznos. so he started subtly making his move. asking cynthia for help on homework, pretending to be this pathetic helpless soul - ugh! he created this whole plan to get her to take her top off. but when i caught them making out, i couldn't take it anymore. i told cynthia about me telling reese and that he was just using her for her breasts. she didn't believe me until i asked reese what her name was in front of her. can you believe he actually didn't know? so what does she do? she kicks his butt.

i guess that's two brothers down, one to go.

 

"company picnic" original air date 2/03/02

every year, we go to dad's company picnic. it's one of these big events with stupid field games and god-knows what else. this year though, i had incentive. it's name was laurie milberg. uh, her name is laurie milberg. you get the point. anyway, i hadn't seen her since the third grade and i've grown at least four inches since then! even reese said he'd go to bat for me and not hit on her. he's such a nice brotherwhat?

so, we get to the picnic and i find laurie. totally cute, obviously. and she asked me to be in the three-legged scavenger hunt with her, obviously. i was totally in. i mean, she was definitely flirting with me and things were going great. just as i thought she'd tell me she liked me, i beat her to it and professed my affection. i've really got to stop doing that because she was talking about gary spindler. gary spindler?! you've got to be kidding.

now i'm stuck in this stupid three-legged hunt for three hours and i've totally cast a pall on the whole day. now i know how sisyphus felt. but i wasn't going to drop this one. i really wanted to know why. why would a girl like laurie not like a cute, funny, smart guy like me. i had to know. so i pressed and pressed. that obviously backfired. she went off, telling me everything that was wrong with me. ouch! i actually cried (note to self: take this out when they publish my memoirs). so while i was wiping my tears away, i used some leaves on the ground. and, to go along with the general theme of the picnic - it was poison ivy. sweet. that was sarcasm. i can't wait for next year. that was sarcasm too.

 

"monkey" original air date 5/12/02

okay, so not a whole lot happened this week, sans the break-in in our house. i think if anyone actually did a scouting report on whether to rob us or not, they'd find $14 worth of goods and much more potential in a hostage situation. so, i don't know what all the fuss was about.

the cool thing though, reese was the one who knocked the guy out. i think dad may have been a little upset that he wasn't the family protector anymore, but reese taking a baseball bat to some vagrant was really cool. of course the side effects of such an incident are not so cool. dad went around trying to prove his masculinity, reese started his own neighborhood watch (which was more like a one-manned militia) and dewey couldn't sleep anymore and kept me up with him.

dewey was the worst actually, mostly because it directly involved me. but he was so scared of another burglar that he forced me to read to him every night. i even read the dictionary to him - the whole thing!

the only good thing that came out of this was being awake for an entire week. it actually wasn't so bad. after awhile you don't even need it anymore. everything is still the same. 2+2 still equals 5 and the sun continues to rise in the westright? at least i'm about to get the world record for longest amount of time awake. i just need 11 more hours and the record iszzzzzzzz.

 

"hal's birthday " original air date 3/03/02

why is it that whenever it's someone else's birthday, you always have something better to do and somewhere better to be? sure, it's dad's birthday, but we're talking about front row tickets to the demolition derby. of course mom wasn't going to let us go, she never lets us do anything. she made this excuse that she planned some big surprise for dad on his birthday. it didn't take long to find out what it was though, francis was coming home.

in a normal family, having everyone together would be a good thing. bring out old pictures, reminisce about times past, you know, normal stuff? we unfortunately have a track record that negates any possibility of normalcy, and as you'll very soon find out, the pattern continues.

dad's birthday rolls around and francis is late, of course. he finally shows and everyone is thrilled. hugs, kisses, good normal things, right? unfortunately there was one little problem: francis brought his wife. his wife! wait, does that mean she's my sister-in-law?

mom flips out. dad flips out. and guess who gets yelled atus! well that was it. we weren't going to take getting yelled at any longer. so reese stole dad's credit card and he, dewey and i ran off to an expensive hotel. let me just say, if you haven't indulged in an all-expense paid trip on your unknowing parents in the finest hotel in the city - you simply haven't lived. we got lobster, steak, desserts, jacuzzi, tailored suits, pedicures (i know, but what can i say). it was totally sweet! it didn't take long to get caught of course, but it was so worth it.

i guess in the end, dad's birthday wasn't so bad. we finally confronted mom about the yelling, and she developed a new creepy system of punishing us. dad got a new back shaver. we ate really well. so all in all i'd say we learned a lot. mostly that celebrating someone else's birthday doesn't necessarily mean that only they get presents! and really, isn't that all that matters?

 

"cliques" original air date 05/05/01

is there anything more fun than chemistry class? the mixing of unstable variables to create organic compounds in multiple forms. well, i think it's cool anyway. of course, our group has a little problem sticking to the regular class assignment and we stray a little from the righteous path. needless to say, we blew up the lab and had to be sent back to regular school.

i thought it was great to get "back to the people." you don't know how nice it is to have conversations where we talk about girls without the pressures of multiple adjectives.

the other krelboyne's adapted surprisingly well though. they all found a niche in their respective environments of jocks, posers, skaters, goths, etc. a little strange, but nice to see i wasn't going to have to hold anyone's hand.

unfortunately, things started to take a sour turn. the krelboyne's all became ringleaders of their cliques and a powder keg was starting to build upon territorial disputes in the school courtyard. on top of that, it turns out that my new friends were total morons, and there was no way i was going to be able to hang with them anymore either.

finally, a melee was about to ensue. i made an impassioned plea to the school about solidarity and the need to band together and hate school, not each other. but when the cliques realized that they were being guided by krelboyne's, they turned on us, with me being accused as the ringleader of all.

five wedgies, three swirlies, and one dumpster later, we were rescued by herkabe and sent on our way. i guess that means the chemistry experiment with a krelboyne variable wasn't the categorical success we had all hoped it would be. or at least i hoped

 

"dewey's dog" original air date 4/07/02

okay, it's true. reese and i do torment and torture dewey a lot. but it's just normal brother stuff. francis did it to reese. reese did it to me. and now, because reese can't help himself, we both do it to dewey. it's just natural selection. the way it goes.

of course dewey gets the short end of the stick. no brother of his own to boss around. i guess you could say that when he found a dog, and we were going to torture him with the knowledge and whether to tell mom and dad about it, it was karmic that it came back to haunt us.

dewey trained the stupid dog to protect him! we couldn't believe it. so dewey enacted his revenge. he made us wear dresses and make-up while singing songs about how he's the "best brother in the world." he's young, so clearly he wasn't looking at the bigger picture of the beatings he'd be receiving for the next 10 years of his life!

oh, i almost forgot. craig came over and dewey took him hostage too. of course, that was all reese and i needed to get our window of opportunity back. we stuck the dog on craig and had dewey all to ourselves. we felt it was only fitting, having a dog and all, that dewey should know exactly what being a dog truly feels like. i think licking the floors was my favorite

 

"hal coaches" original air date 3/10/02

so our neighbor ed made a deal with our dad for his old computer. basically, reese and i were leased out for hard labor and we get the computer in return. it wasn't so bad, i just had to install his new computer while reese was forced into yard work.

some people just never learn. a quick tip: if you ever give your old computer to someone, just deleting your files doesn't actually get rid of them. ed, of course, made this mistake and we were able to access each and every one of his emails. it was totally scandalous stuff too. i know, i know. we're talking about ed. fat, old, bald ed. but he's been sleeping with every single, old, lonely woman on the block. can you believe that?

the best thing i found on the computer though was this totally cool family simulation game. basically, i was able to recreate my own family in whatever way i chose and watch as they grow into the miserably, despicable people i take them for while i enjoy a meteoric rise to fame and fortune.

stupid simulator! yeah, i know i become obsessed every once in awhile, but this thing was driving me crazy. i mean, it made simulated reese the king of china. simulated mom became a supreme court justice and simulated dad became a millionaire. simulated malcolm? he started out so well. he had the looks, the brains, the social skills. what happens? he becomes a fat, lazy, overbearing alcoholic who winds up killing himself. is this what's going to happen to me!? am i going crazy?!

okay, okay. i'm calm now. i solved the problem. although i'm afraid the computer is no longer with usthere was, well, let's just say there was an accident

 

"jury duty" original air date 05/01/01

ah, spring break. are there any two words that ring sweeter to our ears? one full week of no school, no hassles, no problems, nothing. in our family, we have a little spring break tradition. it started when francis would take reese and i into the sewers. we decided it was time to initiate dewey.

there was a crux to our plan though. before we even got started, reese and i were over at stevie's and we totally saw his mom naked! buck naked! and you know what? she's actually a total babe. sure there was some screaming, maybe a little crying, but ultimately, an experience we'll never forget. hmm.

back to the sewers. so we went to our usual spot with plan in hand: take dewey in, scare the crap out of him with our snake, get out with a new story and scar our little brother for life. it was a fine plan! that was until we got lost.

did you ever notice that when faced with seemingly hopeless situations, people really seem to open up? for instance, did you know reese writes poetry? we also kind of sort of realized that all our girl problems are pretty much our own faults. we were blaming them for everything, but ultimately, it was our own insecurities that created the difficulty.

i know, it's soft. and here's the kicker. in the end, when we scared ourselves with the prank, finally figured out a way out of the sewer, there were three girls there, just waiting to make fun of us. so much for those new theories...

 

"clip show" original air date 4/28/02

time to start the week off with another tale of us getting blamed for something we didn't even do. this time though, dad accused us of wrecking the car. granted, if history tells us anything, when senseless damage happens to valuable items owned by our parents, good rule of thumb is that one of us did somethingbut this time we didn't!

regardless, we were punished. our sentence: therapy! dad actually dragged us to see this shrink where we can discuss our feelings and ultimately get blamed for stuff our parents don't even know about yet. whatever, it's not like he was going to find anything - we're totally normal kids. we are!

so he started poking and probing into our inner psyches to figure out whether we did in fact crash the car. this brought out tons of suppressed stuff. actually, it was kind of cool to see how dewey and reese's brains work. as the little things bring out bigger issues and so on and so on. obviously it doesn't work on me, but neat none-the-less.

the only real problem i encountered from the session was i realized that i really don't fit in with the family. reese has his brutish, fall-guy thing. dewey has the pseudo-cute thing. francis gets the first child as a result we can't do anything, thing. but what was i? where was my place?

it turns out, and this is really nice actually, that my brothers look to me as the ringleader of the group. the strategist if you will. of course that brought us right back to me masterminding the demise of the carwe didn't do anything!

so here's the best part. right as this happens, we see dad's car take off with nobody in it. he forgot to put on the parking break - as usual! so it turned out to be a big mistake and we didn't crash the car. so, no harm, no foul, no blame, and a slight epiphany. overall, i'd say it was a pretty good week.

 

"poker 2" original air date 4/21/02

so dad decides to have his poker game over at our house. basically what that means is we get detained to our rooms with nothing to do for three hours while he and his friends compete over stacking pretzels and sweat sock length. they're like children!

anyway, it wasn't all bad. one of the other dad's brought his daughter chandra and her friend kristin. reese and i were psyched, especially when dad told us we "had" to keep them entertained, like that's a sentencing! it was awful though because they were totally mean. that was until stevie showed up and reese told them stevie was dying.

reese decided to do what he likes to call charity work. in this instance, it meant pimping out a fatal disease so stevie could hook up with a girl. it was his way of making himself feel good. meanwhile, i spotted a gun in kristin's purse and when she left the room i took it and hid it. i mean, our house may be a lot of things: a dump, a prison, hellbut it is not a place for firearms. needless to say, kristin freaked out when she couldn't find it and called her psychopath boyfriend to come and get it back from me.

so while stevie is using his fake death to score with chandra, reese watching, dewey angry for us kicking him out, i'm in the garage taking a hacksaw to the gun, figuring that was the best solution to the problem. i'm sure we all know where this is goingyes! the gun went off. i almost killed everyone. so now it's my fault! yeah, that sounds about right.

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