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malcolm in the middle
malcolm's journal season 4

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"zoo" original air date 11/03/02

so my summer basically sucked. yeah, i know thats a bad intro to this long awaited journal entry, but that pretty much sums it up. i hate everything. i hate everyone. all i did this summer was stay in bed. sure, mom says its a "phase" that teenagers go through, but im smarter than all other teenagers so that cant be right.

so mom, in her veiled attempt to bring the family closer together made us all go to the zoo. thats right, the zoo. i really couldnt wait to watch pathetic caged animals and the suburban morons laughing at them. yeah, maybe the zoo was fun when i was seven.

i mean, is it too much to ask to just be happy being miserable? no one understands what its like being an insignificant spec of dust in a universe filled with inevitable tragedy. do you understand?

i guess dewey tried putting things into perspective with his usual dull brand of simplemindedness. obviously that did nothing for me. but i suppose when he fell into the tiger pit and i went after him, i started seeing things a little more clearly.

well, it only took like 20 minutes for the stupid zoo rangers to find us. not like they can do anything. why is everyone so worthless?! anyway, their grand idea was to tranquilize the tigers. now let me explain why this is the worst idea of the year. the tranquilizer takes about two minutes to go into effect, basically giving the tigers just enough time to get really angry and eat us. see? worthless!

i will say this however; being in that pit helped me realize something. i actually love my family. i love my life. i love everything. weird turn huh? its funny how knowing youre about to die really brings the brighter side of life into focus.

as youve probably figured out by me writing this journal, we didnt die. seems that reese got in a fight with a goat and threw the thing into the tiger pit. tigers apparently like goat more than kid. good thing for us.

almost dying really put things into perspective for me. although when you think about it, why is it that i always have to learn my lessons the hard way? is there some supernatural cosmic curse on my head? what did i ever do?

thats it, im going back to bed.


"humilithon" original air date 11/10/02

guess what? im officially done with junior high. im no longer a krelboyne. can you believe it? sure ill miss the lab mishaps, endless ridicule and teacher resentment, butwait, no i wont! im in high school!
okay, now we get to the part where murphys law takes over. ive made a list for you, so hopefully you can predict where all this goes.
- mom & dad were forced to volunteer at school for the first week.
- my old teacher mr. herkabe is the new dean of discipline.
- the school is enormous, i cant find anything.
- krelboynes wont leave me alone.

so that sums up the initial obstacles of my first week. so lets talk
about the krelboynes. try as i could, there was no avoiding them. they infested me like the plague. i just wanted to make new friends and try to blend in.
now the mom/dad volunteer thing. it started okay, but when i needed moms help, she totally embarrassed me by finding a stain on my pants. she made this whole scene in front of the entire school. now i have this nickname "stain." ive been at school less than a week and my nickname is stain!
every attempt i made to try and fit in, make a new name for myself, failed miserably. now i was ostracized at school, my parents are a total nightmare, and the krelboynes rightfully think im the worlds biggest jerk!
i figured there was only one way out of all thismilitary school. that was it! i could start all over. i decided to steal dads car from the school parking lot and run it into moms. it was a foolproof plan. so, i get the car, rev it up, but reese tried to stop me by jumping on the hood! a huge crowd started to gather. just as i was about to gun it, cynthia (hot krelboyne girl), yelled that if i went through with it, shed never have sex with me again!

moment of silence please.

okay. now, ive never had sex with her, but for some reason, it worked. the crowd started buzzing. do you realize the instant status that "having sex" provides you as a freshman? i was completely vindicated!
now it remains to be seen if everyone will still call me stain, but maybe some new ones will creep outlike stud or rock star


"family reunion" original air date 11/17/02

all right, so weve never really been close with dads side of the family. theres a couple reasons: first, dad cant stand them. second, they all hate mom. it sucks though because grandpa is totally rich and if we play our cards right, big inheritance coming our waya boy can dream cant he?

anyway, its grandpas birthday and we got the call to join the family at his place for a reunion of sorts. reese immediately went into, "milk grandpa for all hes worth" strategic planning mode. cant say i blame him, i mean, grandpas really rich.

when we got there, the family immediately started picking on mom. of course we didnt mind because it kept her attention away from us always a positive. why dont we visit them more often again?
grandpa is great. hes always laughing, joking, life of the party. he even took me to see all his civil war memorabilia, which is cool, but i think i feigned more interest in hope of that inheritance money. shameless, i know. i will say this though, no money is worth me having to dress in civil war fatigues and reenact battles with the man. give me some credit, my hypocrisy has limits.

all in all, it wasnt a bad trip, that was until the family set mom up so she wasnt in the family photo. she finally lost it. all the picking on really got to her and she locked herself in the bathroom, crying. so we decided to do what any self respecting family would doget revenge.

basically, for all the teasing, abuse, picking on that mom received, we in turn decided to ruin the entire party by driving a golf cart through the party table, trample the cake and then launch into the pool. that was probably the sweetest thing weve done in awhile and it was for a good cause!

so much for that inheritance, but at least we took care of our own, which may come back to us with mom being a little nicerwait, who am i kidding?


"stupid girl" original air date 11/24/02

how is it possible to have such a great brain and never be happy? youd imagine id be able to think of a way to get myself out of this. but really, ive come up with nothing. the worst part, its affecting my social life in high school. when i talk to girls, all i ever do is sound condescending or patronizing, and they hate that.

so, theres this girl allison. shes my locker neighbor, but she wasnt reacting to anything i said. i tried funnynothing. i tried wittynothing. i tried clevernothing! whats wrong with me?

now of all the places to turn, reese would ordinarily be the last. but then it hit me, if i could just stop being the genius jerk that i am and tone it down a notch, i might have a chance. reese taught me how to be stupid. it was great! i could literally turn off my brain, and suddenly i was engaging allison on a whole new level. would you believe she actually asked me out?!

not thinking so much is really cool. no more stress or pressure. i was relaxed andhappy? is that what that was?

well, there is a downside to all this. i became a total moron. stevie wouldnt even talk to me. allison and i went to the school dance together and everything was great. so when she suggested we go sleep out on the football field and bring beer, who was i to refuse? that was until mom showed up. normally, i wouldve had a great way to cover it up. made up some excuse on the spot no problem. but remember, i was a moron.

after the initial screaming cleared a bit, i realized that being the smartest isnt working and being the dumbest isnt working either. what i need is a little balance. and though allison dumped me and is now dating reese, but i know one day ill be able to invent a device that ill attach around her neck that'll instantly bring her iq closer to mine. oh, that sweet, sweet day.

 

"forbidden girlfriend" original air date 12/15/02

so im getting punished, again, only this time mom is forcing me to use my brain. ive had to start tutoring kids at school. sure you meet lots of people, but theyre all idiots, morons, dweebs, freaks, spazzes, etc. its like torture.

well, it was torture until i met nikki. okay, pretend its a bad b-movie and the nerdy tutoring guy goes to a house only to find this totally oversexed hot girl who likes brainy guys. yeah, i know!

there was only one small detail. it seems that her ex-g.i. dad hates me and thinks im a terrible influence on his daughter. me?! what did i ever do? shes the one who wants to ditch class to make-out. believe me though, its totally worth it.

so we had to sneak around a little. no big deal, nikki is hot! well, then her dad called mom. and then mom forbid me from seeing her too. can i just say that all this sneaking around, albeit a big turn-on, is really a big pain in the butt.

finally, i couldnt take it anymore. i had to tell nikki that simply fooling around wasnt good enough for a lasting relationship. but we both realized, we actually liked each other. we had a lot in common, and she even puts up with my complaining (the angel on the left side of my shoulder says to keep her).

well, thats good enough for me. if i can find one cute girl who can put up with me with all my idiosyncrasies, i guess it must be loveright? screw it if its forbidden!

 

"forwards backwards" original air date 12/01/02

for my birthday this year, all i wanted was a couple extra bucks so i could finally buy a laptop computer. i was close, i had all my money hidden away in a book (obviously where no one would look) and i was poised to receive my birthday bounty.

it seems though, that every year around birthday time, reese and i are embroiled in a fight of some kind. well this year, it was worse than ever. i taped reeses face while he was weight-lifting and then he gave me a black eye. mom gave us a final warning, but even that didnt stop us.

the black eye was unacceptable so i glued his arm to his forehead. of course he then stuffed a fire extinguisher down my pants. it got worse and worse. but this was one time i was simply not going to back down. there were blowhorns, embarrassing pictures, wedgies, noogies, public humiliation, short-sheets, etc.

the last straw however, came when reese stole my computer money. that was it, i couldnt take it anymore. we finally squared off in a dangerous game of go-kart chicken. im not really sure there was a clear-cut winner. i do know that we both ended up in the hospital.

i guess in the end we realized that neither of us has had a birthday where we werent grounded. when you think about it, its kind of sad. but to be totally honest, revenge is sooo much sweeter!

 

"grandma sues" original air date 02/02/03

can you guess where im writing this journal from right now? no really, go ahead and guess. because if you said my bedroom, closet, bathroom, living room, kitchen, dining room, parents room, or any other place inside the house, youd be wrong. no, im writing this from my new room, the tent out in the yard.

why am i in a tent? well, francis, piama and grandma are all in town staying at the house, so naturally i get the shaft. so heres what happens when you live in a tent. youre never told about meals, family excursions, more meals, news, etc. i may as well be in antarctica!

basically, all we needed to do was get grandma to finally leave. of course everyone was on board with that. but just as she was out the front door, she slipped on some leaves and broke stuff. i didnt ask what because frankly i didnt care. all it meant was that she had to stay longer!

so i couldnt really take it anymore, and to make matters worse, francis kicked me out of the tent so he and piama could have some "alone" time. grrr!!!

i totally lost it. i broke into the house and started yelling at everyone. of course little did i know that everyone had some problems of their own. grandma was suing mom and dad, and moms pregnant. pregnant!!!

well, in light of current news, im happy to stay outside, but when grandma found out we had no insurance any longer, she dropped the suit and was quickly ushered out the door. once i change the sheets, that bed is mine!

 

"if boys were girls" original air date 02/09/03

for valentines day this year, mom and dad were making us go to the mall to get new clothes. man, i hate the mall. the window shoppers, crying babies, fanatical women rushing for the big sales. ugh!

anyway, before we got going, reese and i were fighting as usual. what am i supposed to do? he stole my favorite pen! so we broke some stuff until mom and dad finally came in to break it up. reese kept taunting me though so i did what any self-respecting brother would do: i popped him! i know, right?! right in the mouth and he went out cold. everyone was in total shock. of course i got reprimanded, but alpha status was coming my way.

to be honest, knocking out reese wasnt that great though. sure dewey started paying me protection money and it was funny that reese flinched every time i got near him, but something was just off.
when we got to the mall, mom made us try on stupid clothes while dad had to go find her a valentines day present. did i mention i hate shopping? i cant believe theres a line to try something on so you can wait in another line to buy it. there has to be an easier way.

so when it was our turn to get into the dressing room, some old bag tried to coax us into letting her go first. well i was having none of it and told her to go away. but then she accosted me! with her walker! thank god reese was there, he loves fighting old people. but in the end it was good having the old reese back. or was it? i think when he pushed the cop and we all had to run out of the mall so we wouldnt get arrested may be a little much.

hey, at least shopping was a little more interesting.

 

"long drive" original air date 03/02/03

youre not gonna believe this! moms doctor said that because of all the stress she receives at home, she has to move to her sisters house to avoid it. thats right, were single-handedly responsible for getting mom kicked out of the house! total freedom was only days away.

so remember the girl nikki i was forbidden to date? well, were still seeing each other, but sneaking around has become even more difficult. obviously mom suspects me, but so far ive been able to avoid any real confrontation.

needless to say, it all came to a head on the three-hour drive to my aunts to drop moms stuff off. it was just the two of us and she actually did the unthinkable. thats right, the sex talk! talk about a bomb dropping in your lap!

i probably wouldnt have minded so much if she didnt pull out visual aids and take examples from her own experiences! did i really have to hear about her virginity?

so after i vomited, mom actually made some good points about sex. we even had a real conversation about it. i couldnt believe we finally talked like normal people. funny how things change when youre not treated like a five-year-old.

after all that, maybe its not such a good thing for mom to be leaving the housei cant even believe i just wrote that last sentence. let it be stricken from the record.

 

"malcolm holds his tongue" original air date 01/05/03

i finally found something im good at that normal people can actually appreciate: basketball. thats right, can you believe it? i actually have a modicum of athletic ability?

well, when trying out for the jv team, as usual, i opened my mouth before thinking and the coach kicked me out. okay, first of all, the coach is a moron whose entire playbook consists of two pick-and-rolls and the globetrotter weave. second of all, well, theres no second, i should have kept my mouth shut.

it wasnt really until stevie made me realize that i always speak before i think. so i decided on a new strategy. i would take a few extra seconds and think about my responses.

you know, it works pretty well. mom started going easier on me, dad started giving me money and the coach actually let me back on the team! who knew not being a smart-ass would have such positive ramifications? i think the only drawback may be my head exploding from keeping things backed up, but so far so good

i think it all came to head when we actually had a basketball game. we were losing to the worst team in the league and because the coach is a total idiot, there was no getting back in the game. i couldnt take it anymore. he was giving this moronic speech about heart and all i wanted to do was tell him hes not qualified to even coach 3rd grade girls, when suddenly i started bleeding from my mouth.

well, evidently holding everything inside isnt the best thing to do. i developed a peptic ulcer and had to go to the hospital. hey, at least my head didnt explode, right?

 

"academic octathalon" original air date 04/13/03

herkabe entered the krelboynes in the academic octathalon. basically its a smart kids competition where different schools compete against each other to determine whos the smartest. it totally sucks.

mom was making me go though. there was nothing i could do. herkabe is a total fascist and making us study at every waking moment. its insane! but the krelboynes dont have any self-esteem so they do everything he says.

when we got to the competition, herkabe took me aside and told me to be a team player. i agreed, but what he meant was, help the rest of the guys cheat. me cheat? i may do lots of bad things in my life, but one thing i refuse to do is cheat to make myself look smarter than other kids in a ridiculous competition.

so i told the other kids what herkabe was up to, but they were in on it! so i decided to leave. i called mom and made her drive out to get me. but at the last moment, i realized one of the other teams tried to play me and get some inside info about our team. no one plays me!

i got out of moms car, told her to punish me at home, and got to work. if youre gonna cheat, youve got to do it right. actually, im kind of proud of this one. i stole the competition questions and passed them out to all the teams. so when the competition started, everyone knew every answer before it was even asked. very transparent.

the judges convened with all the teachers and awarded everyone first place in individual categories. cheating gets you no where, but its definitely fun to watch when everyone is involved. i like to think of myself as a greek god looking down on the humans as social darwinism does its worst.

 

"boys at ranch" original air date 01/12/03

so were actually doing something fun for once. a weekend at francis ranch just for the guys. thats right, a weekend without mom! i never thought it was possible, but here it is!

when we got to the ranch we were treated like royalty. i couldnt believe it; francis is like a god at this place! and we got everything for free. this was quickly becoming the best weekend in recent memory.

francis was so cool. he cooks, rides horses, and camps. its like the wild west and hes the sheriff. actually, thats the problem. his "sheriff" role took on a familiar tone: that tone being mom-like. i thought we went on vacation to get away from her!

none of us could believe how anal hed become. "dont touch that, dont break that, go to your room!?" who the hell did he think he was? so reese, dewey and i decided to trick them into letting us ride atvs. well, we crashed them, but it was so worth it. they really mean all-terrain with those puppies.

but then francis yelled at us again! where was our brother? hes been possessed by this super responsible, annoying, male version of mom. we had to do something to get him back and reese and i had just the thing to do it: fireworks.

we bought the biggest, baddest, meanest, scariest, brightest and craziest fireworks dads credit card could afford. then we baited francis with an unlit fuse. needless to say, he took the bait, lit em up and created one of the greatest fireworks displays in amateur history.

oh, and the doctor said that our vision and hearing should return to normal within the next few weeks

 

"kicked out" original air date 03/09/03

so with mom out of the house, you might say things have turned a little ugly. and though craig was around to help dad, without the threat of mom, the house was officially ours.

dad finally dropped the gauntlet though. he totally lost it, ranting and raving. of course i took this opportunity to sneak out and see nikki. its nice having that support, someone to talk to about all my problems. shes a good listener.

sneaking back in however, well, lets just say thats where things took a turn for the worse. dad caught me and we got into this huge fight. he yelled, i yelled back. i even accused him of not being able to keep the house together. so when he said "why dont i just leave," i called his bluff and left!

of course i didnt expect him to actually keep the door locked and not come back for me. yeah, that was a minor setback. i then went to nikkis and she hid me in her attic. to make matters worse though, evidently ive been neglecting to listen to nikkis problems while ive been talking non stop about mine. she lost it and broke up with me! im living in her attic and she broke up with me!

well, i totally lost it then. i realized that i was insensitive and annoying and selfish. i can change! just give me a chance to change! i guess but after crashing through the floor of the attic, getting caught by nikkis dad and being dragged back home, i figure with the amount of time i'll be grounded for, ill be sane and normal in about 2 years!

 

"stereo store" original air date 03/16/03

because moms out of the house, dad was forced to get a second job. thats right, we had the place all to ourselves. well, almost. dad hired a babysitter. dont you think were a little too old for that? honestly, whats the normal age to stop being babysat? 12? 13? heres the worst part though, he hired this girl from my class, jessica. reese and i are both older than she is!

so i figured things wouldnt be too bad, that was until she started taking control of the house. somehow she had reese and dewey at her beck and call within minutes. granted, theyre easy but shes good.

well that crap doesnt work on me. she cant manipulate someone smarter than her. it wont work! so later than night, when we were in bed at 8:30, we decided it was time to strike back.

the plan was in effect, we were going in with a multi-pronged attack. we had the technology and the know how. well, being in bed that night at 7:30, was definitely the last straw.

it wasnt fair though. she was blackmailing us. now that shes been in our house, she knew all our secrets and using them against us to get her way! were the only ones in this house who are allowed to do that!

so we sent in our secret weapon: dewey. it was great, he went downstairs, did the crying routine, pretended to fall asleep in her lap and absorbed all her secrets while her friends were over. it worked like a charm.

reese and i were back and ready to go party. we told her wed use all her secrets against her and won. we won. just as we were leaving though, she started crying. reese got out, but i was stuck. stop crying! please stop!

two hours later, dad and reese came home both from the party? i had totally lost track of time, dad told jessica he didnt need her anymore and i missed the party. wait, does that mean she won? but, im too smart. i dont understandyou know what, im too tired to think about it.

 

"hals friend" original air date 03/30/03

were finally in a good rhythm at home with mom being gone. its really easy paper goods only to avoid any dishwashing of any kind. works out pretty well actually.

so stevie and i are supposed to be going to dabneys later for his birthday party. the only problem is that his mother is worse than mine. well, not just worse, different worse. mom yells at us but dabneys mother is psycho overprotective and has forced dabney into a shell. its weird.

at his party, (which was just stevie and i) dabney started opening his presents. he got the coolest paint ball gun! but his mother took it away and made him brush her hair. okay, this is strange. we needed to get dabney out of that house.

we grabbed him and took him to a paint ball course. he finally broke out. after getting shot over and over and over, he cracked and started firing his gun violently and screaming profanity at his mother. it was awesome!

even when his mother came to take him back, he didnt back down. he actually stood up to her. except it got even stranger when she liked it. something very bizarre is happening in that house, and id like to leave it at that. at least dabney stood up for himself thats really all i can ask for.

 

"garage sale" original air date 04/06/03

well, the long wait is finally over. mom is back. we only had a little bit of house cleaning to attend to like filling up the huge hole that dad put in the wall in his bedroom.

so mom wasnt even mad, in fact, everything we glued, taped, and roped back together went totally unnoticed. she was just happy to be home. well, with the slight exception of having to pay $800 for the hole in the bedroom. i suggested we have a garage sale, but then this weird thing happened. she credited reese with the idea and put him in charge of it. yeah, thatll work.

i cant believe it though, mom gave him total authority to do whatever he wanted. hes such and idiot, but i had to listen to everything he said. but not to worry, i had a plan. luckily i found this old computer in the garage, which happened to be one of the first desktops ever made and was in mint condition. so what did i do? i called craig.

craig offered me $1300 for the thing, but i told him he needed to buy it at the garage sale in front of everyone to show that i was right and smarter and could handle the family problems much better than my mentall challenged brother.

on the day of the sale, i was prepared. i even gave craig a script to read in front of mom while buying the computer. so everything was going as planned, everything until dad dragged craig away so he could continue to broadcast his illegal radio show hes been running from our backyard.

reese than broke the computer over his knee, which finally sparked mom into action, realizing how stupid reese is and giving him the responsibility for the sale was the worst idea ever. oh yeah, and dewey sold all our furniture while no one was looking.

i love being proved right, i just wish i didnt have to sleep on the floor to bask in it.

 

"future malcolm" original air date 05/04/03

why is everyone in the world totally brain-dead? am i crazy or is everyone an idiot? i dont even want to think about my family they practically top the list, but i cant help but feel that im the only person in the world with half a brain.

okay, maybe im just complaining, but its starting to really irk me. i was trying to explain all this to stevie while we were in the park, but he just rolls his eyes at me every time i get into it. then this guy started talking trash to me about chess. all right, all these bums play chess and theres this one guy, leonard, who beats everyone and lets them know it over and over.

i couldnt take it anymore, so when he challenged me, i

finally accepted. it seemed that leonard understood. he looked down at the masses in the same way. he realized that everyone was an idiot. it was like i was staring at a fat, short, bald version of me in 30 years. yikes.

anyway, we had to keep playing because we tied every game. it got old fast so i decided to try and get to know him. i found out quickly that he has a small, mundane job, owes pushers in the park money and is the most miserable person on the planet. i hope i dont turn out like that.

either way, i felt sorry for him (i didnt tell him that) but still. so i set up a job interview for him with craig. i know, i know, but i had to do something, right? during the interview he actually bonded with craig! he got the job. but when he came out to talk to me about it, he ranted about how craig is the biggest moron hes ever met. of course craig overheard and the job was lost.

the next day in the park, i went back to see leonard but he was gone. another bum gave me a note from him. he told me thanks for showing him how right he was about people and how "we" are different than everyone else. "we?" i refuse to end up like that! okay, maybe bitter and angry at the world, but i will not be fat and bald!

 

"reeses party" original air date 04/27/03

moms practically ready to burst. i mean physically this time. shes now nine months pregnant. so she and dad decided they needed to take a weekend away from us so they can relax one last time before they have another mouth to feed.

so they told craig to send reese to canada, me to stevies and for him to look after dewey. im sure you can see where this is going. reese escaped from the bus and i had a hot date with this, well lets call her overly friendly, girl named kathy. unfortunately we both ended up at the house at the same time and reese had already invited the free world to our house for a party.

does he not get it? why do i even ask that? of course he doesnt. but these parties when parents are away always end badly. there isnt a case in recorded adolescent history where one of these have gone off without a hitch. and reese is an idiot.
of course by inviting the free world, reese somehow got a gang to come over and commandeer our garage for some god-knows nefarious purpose. things got worse when they basically took over the rest of the house too and held us hostage while they worked in the garage.

there was really only one thing to do. we called francis. he came over and seemed to have the situation under control. only problem was that he knew the guys who took over our house and his attempts at blackmail only backfired on him.

finally, dewey and craig arrived. craig went ballistic but the gang responded by making him their sex slave. we were about to abandon craig but apparently he and dewey bonded and dewey wasnt gonna leave him. so he did the only sensible thing anyone could do in the situation: he told on themto their mothers.

surprisingly enough, it worked like a charm. these "mothers" came over and berated the gang and they left. who knew? the best part mom and dad didnt even find out. i guess this could go down as the first time in adolescent history, blah, blah. but we didnt exactly have a party now did we?

 

"baby part 1" original air date 05/11/03

okay, i think i need to break down what exactly is happening in our house right now. mom is 8 months pregnant. dad is flipping out. dewey is bitter that hell get less attention than ever. francis and piama came home to help mom. and grandma showed up at the last minute. so not a whole lot, right?

all right, youre caught up now with the basics. at the same time, i got a letter in the mail from the best prep school in the world. they accepted me without even applying. and its in london. of course we cant afford it, but theyre even giving me a full ride. i figured with me gone on the prep schools dime, mom and dad would have less of a financial burden, right?

i ran this by dad but he wouldnt have any of it. he told me that without me in the house, the whole place would fall down. sure that makes me feel important, but honestly, theres not enough money to go around so itll be really interesting to see how it all pans out.

meanwhile, mom and dad decided to induce labor. the funny part of it though was they decided to do it on deweys birthday. classic! so dewey totally flips out and causes a whole scene at this bridal expo that dad dragged us to.

okay are you still with me? well, while dad is getting berated in public, mom evidently went into labor back home. the only problem was reese. he got into trouble at the expo and we were chased out by the cops. we got into the car in the nick of time but dad gave reese the keys why? because everyone in my family is an idiot!

anyway, theres too much to write so stay tuned because when all is said and done, i promise it wont be boring

 

"baby part 2" original air date 05/18/03

so a quick recap. mom and dad decided to induce labor on deweys birthday without even realizing. then dad got busted at the mall and held by security. then, mom started going into labor at home putting dad in big trouble with mom.

okay, so we finally got out of security at the mall and were heading home. but what happens? dad gets in a wreck. hurts his neck and gets hospitalized. so were stuck at the hospital while moms at home giving birth. yeah, that sounds about par for the course.

dads all hopped up on pain meds, so we decided to take a class that was being offered at the hospital. the class was all about child care for newborns. you know what we realized? mom and dad didnt do any of this stuff! all the coddling and caring for. ridiculous! well, we werent going to let them ruin another life. so we decided to learn everything we could.

back at home, francis thats right francis was delivering moms baby! as if his nightmares werent bad enough already. i think he and mom probably bonded over it though, so things might turn out a little better. can you imagine though, having to not just see your moms, uh, thing, but having to put your hands in there!!!!

a moment of silence if you please


"day care" original air date 05/18/03

having a new baby around the house: lets see, how should i put thishow about, its the worst thing thats ever happened? does that even do it justice?

this baby cries non-stop, needs diaper changing all the time, and has two terrible parents. yes, mom and dad are terrible parents. no day care center would take jamie (name of new baby). apparently it has something to do with our collective juvenile records go figure.

finally, mom and dad decided to join a church (free day care). the only downfall was we had to go to bible class. dont even get me started on this stuff because otherwise this journal entry will be 50 pages long. but reese got totally brainwashed. dewey went medieval. dad had the church build an addition on our house. and mom, she had to baby-sit someone elses kid at work.

it was sort of working out until mom lost the kid, the church painted a crucified jesus on our wall, jamie became the worst baby in history, and reese tried to fly away to god and then crashed through the stained glass window of the church.

the good thing, we left the church under our own volition. can you believe they didnt kick us out?

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